In October 2018 The Gospel Coalition hosted a West Coast conference in Fullerton, California. One of the breakout sessions was led by Erik Thoennes and his wife, Donna. They shared the challenges of parenting in the 21st century. Their discussion focused on our culture that a. places too much emphasis on peers b. centers on blaming others instead of taking responsibility c. promotes rampant promiscuity and sexual confusion d. fosters relational shallowness due to the influence of technology and social media e. creates stress, anxiety and depression f. promotes an extended adolescence g. idolizes instead of prioritizes parenting.

By way of counsel the Thoennes’s offer the following for parents to consider:

1. Give parenting its proper priority in your life but don’t make it an idol. Parenting is an important calling of parents but it is not the only calling. Some parents gain all of their identity from being a parent. They give all their energies to their children. They wrapped their lives around their children. They strongly desire to be a “successful” parent. The problem with this or with any idol is that it is not weighty enough to provide parents with a sense of identity or fullness in life. Only a vital walk with Christ is substantial enough to do that.
2. Weave God into all of life. Our relationship with God and worship of Him can’t just be a Sunday thing. Children see right through that. This is why Deuteronomy 6 encourages parents to weave God into all of life. Talk about Him along the way. Show that the Lord Jesus is a guiding force in all of your life. Demonstrate to your children that Jesus is worthy of ruling over every minute of every day; that we can not live without Him any more than a branch can live apart from the tree.
3. Tend to your souls and your marriages. The fact is it will be exceedingly difficult for parents to guide their children in the ways of the Lord if they are not tending their own souls. It will be equally difficult to convince your children of the truthfulness of God’s way if your marriage is a mess. Time spent on cultivating soul and marriage is never time wasted and will produce dividends in the parenting arena.
4. Pray for your children at least as much as you preach to them. It is easy for parents to teach and preach and scold and lecture. That is all very easy. But to draw near to the the Lord and petition the Lord on behalf of your children, that is the hard work of a parent; a work that in the end will make those “teaching” times more in line with what the Lord desires for you as a parent.
5. Have a local church family you can love together. Some parents get very wrapped up in the nuclear family at times to the exclusion of the church family. Some families at times choose “family time” over going to church together. (Oh we haven’t had much time together….I think we will skip church today.) Such an attitude fails to understand how as Christians we have been united together as a family. In fact, we don’t just go to church, we ARE the church. The connection we make when we are among God’s people is vital to the spiritual health of us parents as well as our children.
6. Enjoy your children. Some parents have high aspirations for their children. As a result they run them from sporting event to sporting event, then on to piano and dance lessons. In any spare moment the child is being directed to new activities that will help them get into a top college. Now all of these things may not be bad, but sometimes, with all their prodding of the children, parents forget to enjoy them. How important it is to have fun together…go get ice cream, throw a ball, watch a movie with popcorn. These activities establish relational capital which is critical to the parenting task.
7. Take your children on dates asking them the same set of questions each time. Another way to build relational capital is to take your children on a date. It might work for you to let your child determine what activity or what restaurant to eat at. During your time together get your child used you being asked several questions: How can I be a better parent? Is there anything you are learning in the Word that would help our family be more what God intends it to be? Is there anything you need to tell me? Are there any questions you have? After having asked these questions over many dates parents may find that the children will already have given thought to them, helping the conversations be more fruitful.
8. Have clarity with the gospel. Too many parents are seeking to produce “good” children by focusing on controlling behavior. So they resort to lots of warnings, threats and punishment. Some parents are so good at this that for a time their children “seem” to be on the right track. But the sad reality is that parenting that focuses on controlling behavior isn’t parenting that stands the test of time and its not rooted in the gospel. When the controlling agent (the parent) is gone the child will live out of their hearts. If parents haven’t focused on the heart, if they haven’t shown the child how much we all need the Lord – His presence in our hearts – they will have missed sharing the true life-transforming gospel with their children.
9. Parent with the long view. All parents have their moments when they feel like a failure. The child misbehaves, at times in a big way, and the parent feels that all is lost. During those times the parent needs a reminder that we parent over the long haul. There will be those days that seem disastrous, but if you persevere, always trusting in the Lord’s ability to capture your child’s heart, you may well see your young ones grow into “mighty oaks” for the Lord.
10. Keep eternity before your children.  It is so easy to live for the present, pursuing the things of this earth. But, for the believer, this earth is not our home. We are “just passing through”. We are aliens away from our home which is in heaven with our Lord. If this truly is our belief, this world will seem uncomfortable for us and our children. We will find ourselves at odds with others who are living for the present because this is all they have, and it is swiftly passing away. Our children need to understand this reality, enjoying God’s gift that are abundant on this earth, but never forgetting that something far better, far more satisfying awaits those who love the appearing of our Lord Jesus.

Continue reading Parenting Tips from TGC West Conference 2018 →

Myth #4: If I home school my child or send him to a Christian school, there is less of a need to plug him into church sponsored ministries.

Observation: Both home school parents and parents who send their children to Christian schools often elect to keep their children out of church sponsored ministries. They reason that their children are getting enough input from the home and/or the school. Some say that the children aren’t challenged from what they learn at church. Some say their child is already learning memory verses and to add more is a strain for them. Some say spiritual training is the role of parents and not of the church.

Problem: The problem with this kind of an approach is that many of these children are growing up disconnected from their church family to whom they are to be intimately connected. When these children are entering Jr. & Sr. High parents are coming with great concern stating that their child doesn’t want to come to church. They aren’t connecting with anybody. What’s worse is when they go off to college, they are leaving the church altogether. Continue reading Myths of Modern Parenting, Part IV →

Myth #1: To be a good parent I have to get my child involved in many outside activities.

Observation: We live in a consumer economy. That means there are always a lot of options for our children’s time. There is the plethora of sporting activities: baseball (spring, winter, fall), basketball (spring, winter, fall), football, gymnastics,… vying for their participation. There are dance lessons, music lessons. There are summer camps of great variety. There are even advanced academic classes (often in the summer) that are designed to give their children a jump start.

Observation: Today’s parents feel pressure to have their children in many of these activities. They think, “What good parent wouldn’t give their children every opportunity to better themselves and perhaps give them a jump start in life.

Problem: Now it must be said that the activities in themselves are not bad, nor is a parent’s desire to encourage their child’s development an evil. But the problem comes with what price we have to pay. Many of the activities today ask for a lot. The coach of the little league says you have to be present at every practice and every game or you’re out. He wants commitment and so parents who want to be good parents make that happen. But consider the costs. I’ve watched families run from activity to activity not even having time to eat a meal together. Is that really what God calls us to?  Continue reading Myths of Modern Parenting, Part I →

“Tell ye your children of it, and let your children tell their children, and their children another generation.” — Joel 1:3

In this simple way, by God’s grace, a living testimony for truth is always to be kept alive in the land—the beloved of the Lord are to hand down their witness for the gospel, and the covenant to their heirs, and these again to their next descendants. This is our first duty, we are to begin at the family hearth: he is a bad preacher who does not commence his ministry at home. The heathen are to be sought by all means, and the highways and hedges are to be searched, but home has a prior claim, and woe unto those who reverse the order of the Lord’s arrangements. To teach our children is a personal duty; we cannot delegate it to Sunday school teachers, or other friendly aids; these can assist us, but cannot deliver us from the sacred obligation; proxies and sponsors are wicked devices in this case: mothers and fathers must, like Abraham, command their households in the fear of God, and talk with their offspring concerning the wondrous works of the Most High. Parental teaching is a natural duty—who so fit to look to the child’s well-being as those who are the authors of his actual being? To neglect the instruction of our offspring is worse than brutish. Family religion is necessary for the nation, for the family itself, and for the church of God. By a thousand plots “secularism” is covertly advancing in our land, and one of the most effectual means for resisting its inroads is left almost neglected, namely, the instruction of children in the faith. Would that parents would awaken to a sense of the importance of this matter. It is a pleasant duty to talk of Jesus to our sons and daughters, and the more so because it has often proved to be an accepted work, for God has saved the children through the parents’ prayers and admonitions. May every house into which this volume shall come honour the Lord and receive his smile. (Taken from Spurgeon’s Morning and Evening).

Over the past few months Pastor Tim has been encouraging our adults to bring someone to church. He has challenged us all to bring “one person who sticks”. It is a great challenge and is certainly in line with Jesus’ sentiment and words found in Matthew 9:35-38.

“And Jesus went throughout all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction. When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, ‘The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.'”

Jesus looked upon the crowds and had compassion. He saw their lives, unconnected to His life and power, as harassed and helpless. Those words depict a sheep that has been neglected, and thus is mangled and thrown down for lack of care. Jesus was moved by such a sight and asked his disciples to pray that God would send out laborers to bring them in to God’s fold.

That is the essence of our pastor’s challenge to us. All around us are people who are like sheep without a shepherd. They need someone to come to them and point them to the Great Shepherd of the Sheep. They need someone to answer the call for laborers so that they might find the life that Jesus came to give. Have you answered the call? Are you praying that the Lord will help you take our pastor’s challenge and “bring one in”? That would be a good first personal application, but there is something more for us to consider as parents. Continue reading Each One Bring One →